Help for Yourself
The first step in seeking help for domestic and intimate partner violence (DIPV) is to recognize that you might be experiencing it. For many reasons, a person may not realize right away that what they are experiencing is DIPV- see our F.A.Q.s & Myths page for some examples. There are many resources available to learn about DIPV, and if you don’t want to do this alone, you can reach out to your local domestic violence shelter or outreach worker for support.
An important next step is to understand that your experiences of DIPV are not your fault, and you are not alone. People who abuse others are fully responsible for their own behaviour and abuse is never justified. There are services around the province that exist to help. You might also find it helpful to tell a trusted family member, friend, coworker, or other person about what you are experiencing. Make sure it is someone that you trust to listen without passing judgment or offering unsolicited advice, who will keep it in confidence, respect your decisions, and continue to support you unconditionally.
Transition houses, second stage housing, and domestic violence outreach workers provide free, confidential support for those who have experienced domestic violence, whether you need someone to just listen, connect you with resources, or help you determine your next steps. They can also help you assess your level of risk and develop a safety plan. Most services have a 24/7 crisis line, but for a full list of contact information visit the Our Shelters page. There are a number of other government and community resources as well; if you would prefer to reach out to them directly, please visit our Resources page for contact information.
Throughout this process, always keep your safety and the safety of your loved ones in mind. Leaving can be a dangerous time and abuse can continue even after having left; of course, there are risks to staying as well. That is why it is helpful to work with a service provider to assess the level of risk, create your own unique safety plan, and update it as needed. A safety plan can cover multiple environments (for example, home, work, children’s school or extracurricular activities) and include other people (for example, your children, your pets, or other loved ones you think could be at risk).
Helping Others
If you suspect that someone close to you may be experiencing domestic and intimate partner violence (DIPV), it is okay to ask them in a safe environment if everything is alright and if they need help. They may want to talk about it, but not know how to approach the subject, so being asked might help to start the conversation. However, if they do not want to talk about it, respect their wishes and do not put pressure on them. Let them know that you care about them and are there for them if they ever change their mind.
If they do wish to talk about it, or if someone comes to you on their own to talk about their experience of DIPV, listen to them and let them know that you believe them. Thank them for trusting you with the information and let them know you will keep it private between the two of you. Do not judge or question a person’s experience or choices. Do not offer advice unless directly asked, tell them what you would do, or shift the focus away from them. They know their situation better than anyone and they are the best person to make decisions for themselves*. You cannot make someone leave; they must want to on their own. Respect their choices and let them know you will continue to support them regardless.
Recognize that you are likely not an expert on DIPV and it is okay not to have all the answers. Learn about the services that exist in the province and share them with the person that you are supporting, so they may access professional help, if they wish. You can even offer to call with them or go with them to access those services. For a full list of contact information, visit the Our Shelters page.
When providing support to someone experiencing DIPV, do not forget to take care of yourself as well. You can do this by communicating boundaries in a caring way. For example, you may not want to be around their abuser, and so you may tell them that you would prefer not to visit them at home, but in a more neutral place instead. Acknowledge that what you are hearing about is extremely difficult. If you would find it helpful, DIPV services will often offer to provide support for you as well. Know which self care activities work best for you and practice them as needed.
*This applies to adults. If you become aware of someone under the age of 19 experiencing DIPV, please contact Child Protection. You can let the person know that you are reporting it and offer them to be involved in the process, but as per the Government of New Brunswick, "Any person who has information causing him to suspect that a child has been abandoned, deserted, physically or emotionally neglected, physically or sexually ill-treated or otherwise abused must inform this Department of the situation without delay."